Thursday, March 31, 2011
Do dads think?
You bet we do. We think all the time and I don't think we get credit for it. Maybe I am projecting on all dads out there, but I get accused of not thinking before I act all the time. I want to let you know what I think about:
I think about how am I going to put food on the table. Ever since the tech bubble of 2000, when I got laid off from my first real high paying job, I have lived in constant fear of not being able to provide for my family. It was a huge ego deflating moment. I paid for mistakes that occurred out of my control. It is that lack of control that I don't like. I know that in my current job, I control about 90% of my own destiny. I do well, my company does well. If I don't do well--it's oh well for me. It's this ever lasting cloud that hangs over my head, that I wish I could shake. If I screw up, I screw up the family too.
I think about how my kids are growing up. Am I doing the right thing? Are they growing up how I want them too? Do they behave when I am not around? Are they making me proud? I am getting stressed writing this. I used to think that every family has it's issues, it's just that I live mine every day. Everyone else's kids seem perfect compared to mine. Where did I screw up? Did I screw up? (being a dad is hard)
I think about saving for retirement, paying for college (in 8 years when my oldest is a freshman in college, the average tuition is going to be over 50,000!), fixing something in the house that isn't even broken yet and keeping the revenue flowing so we can just survive. It takes money to do things like live and eat...I want to be able to give my kids what I got from my parents--a shot at succeeding. I want to make sure that they won't have to take care of me when I get older.
I think about the past, I think about the future and it impacts my decisions that I am thinking about right now. In wonder if I am making the right decision...for me, for my family and whoever is in earshot. A little psychology for you. It's called working memory: at any moment I am thinking of the past and the future to decide what to do right now. It turns our working memory into Episodic memories: all the data available to us + emotions that it creates and will create + and our derived meaning-- helps us create an internal note to self. That's why we anticipate and react the way we do.
I really just want to think about my family. Really, nothing makes me happier than visualizing my boys (I am on the road traveling now) just being boys.
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