Always Look at Least Three Ways

The park where some good friends of ours were helping us out by taking family pictures also had a large playground.  This is like me seeing a Fry’s Electronics store or even a Radio Shack if I have to settle so naturally I understand when my daughters head over there and I must give chase.  The slides were made of plastic and not too hot under the sun. Unfortunately they had puddles of water and sand somehow and in “photo picture” clothing there was no way I could let them climb those stairs or I would be he one in the most trouble.

So I negotiated.   “We can go to the Ice Cream store later today.”   That is actually an Arctic Circle fast food joint that makes shakes and has an indoor playground.   So when it came time to make good on my promise we began the long journey.  

Whenever we do this I resist cracking up watching the little legs of my two year old trying to keep up.  I try to keep her focused about her surroundings.  A pet rabbit spotted through a fence catches her attention easily but I am more worried about cars.  It is only about 1.5 blocks but it must feel like a mile to her.  She doesn't care because she knows a vanilla courtesy cone awaits her.  

I won’t let them jaywalk.  They have to use the corner even if it is a bit out of the way.   When we get there I teach my oldest (5 years) about the traffic sign.  "Notice the red stop with the counting number and then when it turns to a green person walking, get moving."   Out of courtesy to others I also teach no “dilly dally” getting across.  It is one of my pet peeves when people stroll lazily through any crosswalk.

We get to the restaurant and place our order.  I was so proud that both girls of all the kids were the only ones that took off their shoes and placed them in the provided storage area and never taking food into the play area and taking turns.  I thing one of the best ways to see how kids are growing is to watch them play with others and it made my caramel cashew shake taste that much better.

When it was time we head back to the same corner.  The sign turned green but the younger one was too far behind us.  My reaction was to get her and wait for the next light cycle, but the older one wanted to follow my instructions and go with the little green man.  Here comes a car making a right hand turn.  

I forgot to mention that at a corner, you have to look three ways regardless of what the sign might say.

I shouted “Stay there !” with a bit of force.  The driver of the car also heard me as his windows were rolled down, screeched to a halt and gave me the expected dirty look with a hand gesture requesting permission to continue.  My oldest never left the curb but was confused and she complied.  We had a short debate afterward about the green man on the sign means.  I have to admit she had a case.  I didn’t tell her to look three ways first.   I also should not have let my little Pea get so far behind us.  She volunteered to hold my hand the rest of the way home, even passing by the rabbits without pausing.

Had we just jaywalked in the first place it might have been easier to just look two ways.  But I know that is not the right way to teach them and that road also has a “suicide lane”.  I am clearly not ready yet to explain that and in either case it just isn't quite like the quiet road we live on laced with orange warning cones that are commonly laid out by neighbors.

As we walked home, I was distracted by both the surroundings and my own thoughts.  If I was standing in their shoes this whole thing could be quite overwhelming. Sometimes when our kids just do what we say it is exactly what we want, but other times they are just doing what we say.    As adults however we learn to look three or more ways at all times.

How we give our children that skill will make all the difference in their futures.   For now, I am lucky just to get them back safely from the "Ice Cream Store".

Each Moment of Being a Dad is a Lifetime

Kyra is my oldest.  Today she turns five and is preparing to enter Kindergarten.  Just yesterday I was watching her birth. 

The hospital insisted that we stay the night and I couldn’t get enough of fatherhood. I stayed with my little girl in the nursery and they trained me on changing diapers and proper washing.  I had no clue.  I gently wiped the sponge across her like she was a ’67 Mustang knowing my long-time friends were laughing in the background wondering how is the “Stoic Steve” going handle having a daughter.

Did I mention that Kyra is my oldest child and tomorrow she is about to graduate from high school?

One lesson that both my kids have taught me is the importance of practicing the enjoyment of each brief moment with them.  Each one is different but will never happen again exactly the same way but for a Dad, it is hard not to see the whole story all at once.   It is how we are wired to look at things.

Considering that on this present day she is only five years old and while she has developed very quickly from day one she is not ready for the pressures of leadership.   The other day both had just finished their baths.  I got distracted for moment and heard the screen door close.   I ran downstairs and gave chase to find that Kyra had dressed herself and her sister had not but was following her to the park.  It was a moment that had I put on camera I could use against them later in life.   One day I might be the grandparent who can humble them in front of their own kids and this would have done the trick.

In the first moment I was embarrassed that I turned my head for a minute and this whole thing happened, then I worried if the neighbors saw this then in the moment that followed I was proud of my daughters.   It turns out that Kyra was eager to go play with someone who from her looks and demeanor wasn’t too happy.   Kyra wanted to offer her food and toys to play with.  I can’t read more into that than I should, I really don’t know the situation well and I didn’t recognize her new friend.  Alexa just wanted to participate. 

I also know that Kyra is very quick on her feet when it comes to making adjustments to the story.  So I remained objective and on the next to the last moment chose a positive view followed by just laughing at the whole thing.  Then I had a talk Kyra about what happened.    It was my fault they got away from me so I was not mad, but I asked her for help, and in the last moment we reached an understanding.

They are still innocent and their heads are not filled with the complicated stuff adults think about. They are free and generous spirits, Dad’s try to teach them how to make the most of it, preferable with their clothes on.

One day she might read this and understand that on her day of becoming five years old and experiencing a real milestone, I am thinking of how all three of my girls, my wife and two daughters, are so very strong, protective, and wise and that as a teacher by profession I am being schooled by them and it will take a lifetime to get this degree.  However I will not admit this until they are old enough to use Google to find this blog post and read it. 

This could be tomorrow.  

Your Star and My Star - Different...But The Same

Some parents beam proudly at their child’s straight-A report card.  Others brag about their kids’ athletic prowess.  Some parents focus on class rank or their kid running the student council.  All great achievements.  In our house, we’ve got performing arts.

Performing arts, you say?  There is no comparison between my kid scoring the winning touchdown in a state championship game and your kid singing in a musical!

And to anyone who carries that notion, I say, pshaw (“pshaw” being as theatrical a word as I can come up with!! Notice the extra exclamation marks, as well. Very dramatic.)  To that person, I feel confident in guessing they’d never been in a musical production; for if they had, they’d know that what goes into it and what comes out of it are the same elements of that winning football team: hard work, pursuit of excellence, personal bests, teamwork, and a shared vision of success.  Add in artistry and you have a better understanding why I beam for my kids when they’re on stage.

Thirty seconds left in the basketball game, your son’s team down by two.  Your son dribbles the ball down court, finds the open man, and makes a beautiful pass.  Twenty seconds left.  The ball is passed a few more times until the star forward on the team takes a shot.  He misses.  Your son grabs the rebound.  He dribbles forward.  Six seconds left.  The ball is tapped away by the opposition.  Rolling behind the three point line, your son throws himself after the ball.  With three seconds left, he grabs it off the floor, and, in a single motion, shoots the ball straight into the net.  Three! The buzzer goes off and screams of elation fill the stands.  And you sit there, so proud.

In my world, I watch as my son takes the stage.  He moves gracefully in the opening number, as if he were meant to dance.  His voice is strong and he leads his cast mates in a difficult song/dance routine involving three part harmony and tap dance.  As the show moves forward, one of the actor’s microphones cuts out and my son quickly, and in character, figures out way to grab the hand mic at the front of the stage and deliver it to the stranded actor without causing distraction.  The final number involves tumbling, lifts, and leaps off stage, all while singing the vocal equivalent of mountain climbing.  The last note is perfect.  The curtain closes and the crowd is on it feet in appreciation.  And I sit there, so proud.

But as a parent of any athlete knows, the games are the fun part.  The real work happens at practice.  1000 free throws.  Batting practice.  Running the cones.  Running.  And more running.  And then run some more.

In my world, we have classical dance classes and performance rehearsals which are comprised of physical and vocal reps. Stretching.  Vocal scales. Dress rehearsals.  Tech rehearsals.  Getting the routine right.  And doing it again.  And again.  And again.

I’m certain your coach is brilliant.  He knows each players' strengths and areas of growth.  He game plans a strategy like a chess master – seeing three moves ahead of the other guy.  He gets in his players heads, makes them work hard to be better.  He spends individual time with each player, teaching the basics.  He gives them encouragement and plants the seeds of faith that his way is the winning way. 

Our director performs a similar role.  He casts kids into rolls that both fit them and (maybe) stretch them.  His concept is played out on stage every performance.  He coaches the group and individuals within the group.  He is critical when he needs to be, but is gives the all-important encouragement that they need.  He asks them to trust each other and to trust him.  And they do.

Adults who were athletes frequently speak about the gifts they took from the game.  Beyond the physical conditioning, they relate their preparedness in further schooling and work experiences to the structure they learned in sports.  When things aren’t going as planned in life, they have perseverance 

Similarly, performing arts give kids lifelong lessons.  They, too, learn to be prepared and have the discipline to persevere in difficult circumstance because they were able to learn those skills while putting on a production.  The phrase “the show must go on” is truly a mantra among performers.  Further, these kids get experience speaking in front of a live audience, a skill that can be of use in the professional world every single day.  They understand teamwork, having a group goal, and the importance of every single person’s effort in a group. 

But, you say, performers don’t have the competitive edge.  They don’t have the “kill” instinct that pushes athletes to charge ahead full speed.  Athletes, as is the nature of sport, compete.  Performers don’t.

To that sentiment, I ask if you’ve ever seen an open audition session?  Have you witnessed a dance competition?  Have you been to a choral competition?  Forensics tournament?  While an athlete’s challenge is the win the game, the performer’s challenge is to be the best….the best ever…..every time.  Please tell me again how performers lack the competitive spirit.

These thoughts are not meant to take anything away from athletics (or academics or student government, etc.), but rather to promote the incredible experience that is the performing arts.  The next time you think to yourself how “cute” a musical performance at the local middle school or high school might be, please consider if you’d say the same thing about the football game the night before.  “Cute” is a wonderful term…but not for something as tough as performing can be. 

I love what performing has done for my kids.  And I know all the benefits will continue on into adulthood.  I’m so grateful they fell in love with performing and will encourage them for as long as they’re interested.  I guess there is one difference between athletes and performers... generally, there are no foam “we’re number one” fingers sold in the theater.  Maybe there should be. 

Middle School Dreams

Junior High Nightmares Middle School Dreams

As we approach the end of another school year, I find myself desperately clinging onto whatever is left of this year’s calendar, hoping in someway that by absorbing every morsel of the end-of-year events, I’ll somehow slow the future.  I admittedly fear what’s around the corner.  I’ve been dreading the prospect of it since I first became a parent.  It’s been waiting out there…. Next year, Jack enters middle school. (Cue scary organ music: dun dun dun!)

Middle school is the newer, more educationally sound term for what I still absentmindedly call junior high.  There have been countless number of books written about those pre-teen/early teenage school years, and the vast majority of them paint a pretty bleak picture.  From what I remember of my own experience, those books actually understate the awfulness of those years.

When I look back on my school years, I often think about how fortunate I was to have had the wonderfully fulfilling high school experience that I had (senior high – to clarify - as opposed to junior high).  The last three years that I was in high school form some of the best memories I have of my youth. (I omit my freshman year because, frankly, I was a knucklehead who didn’t fully understand how to take advantage of the high school experience yet.)  The freedoms high school afforded me have helped to define who I was to become as a person.  I began to understand the value of a good education.  Being able to participate in the performing arts gave me self-confidence and a work ethic that I rely upon nearly every day in my professional life.  I made many, many lifelong friends – people who enriched my life then and continue to do so today.  High school was a life changing experience for me and I’ll be forever grateful for the lesson learned. 

However, there are times when I question if my affection for my high school memories is simply a result of the comparison I can make to my days in junior high.  Junior high, to me, was torturous.  I could probably write a 1000 page book on the unique anguish of the “geeky boy” in junior high in the 80’s.   Some kids seemed to be comfortable in their discomfort back then.  They knew who they were, had confidence in the direction they were going, knew their strengths, could admit and laugh at their deficiencies, and generally took the social pressures in stride.  I wasn’t one of those kids.

Junior high was the first time that I started to care about what other kids thought about me.  My wife tells me that girls tend to have this self-awareness much earlier.  It’s probably the reason that some girls have a more difficult time socially in grade school than boys generally do.  Girls are aware of what others think.  Boys at that age are blissfully dumb…

 There is an old Bill Cosby joke that goes something like this:  “I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?" In my experience, junior high is like crack cocaine for the pre-teen set.  And there are truly a bunch of assholes at that age.

In my recollection of junior high, the jocks from grade school got jockier.  And the brains got brainier.  The bullies got bullyier and the just plain mean kids got meaner.  Me? I was the dopey, oft-confused, non-confident kid who was trying to fit in but wasn’t very successful at it.  I didn’t realize that the “popular” kids needed other kids like me to prop them up, and I was willing fodder to elevate their status.  Looking back on those two years, all I can say is those were not my finest moments.

So, yes, I now am faced with the fact that Jack will be jumping into the shark tank next year.  I think if you’re a parent this next statement will make total sense… for all the misery that I endured in junior high years, I would do it all over again if it meant that Jack wouldn’t have to endure any of it.  I feel like the new parent who is rocking their sick infant and asking God to please transfer the pain and illness the child is feeling to him instead.  See, I know I can take it…I did it once; I can do it again.  But to subject my innocent, sweet Jack to the wolves of middle school…  It’s quite a burden.

My only solace in this comes from Jack himself.  Jack makes me proud in ways that I can’t clearly communicate.  Maybe the best way to say it is this: Jack is the most admirable person I know.  He has far exceeded my expectations and set the bar very high for his brothers and sister. To be clear, I’m not patting myself on the back for how Jack has turned out, although I hope that I helped in some way.  But Jack from the time he was very little had some really special qualities. 

No one wants to read a father’s gushing praise of his own son.  But allow me a moment to illuminate my prior statement about my admiration for Jack.  He is the moral compass of our family.  He understands the world around him and strives to make it a better place.  As his mother often says – there is goodness in his heart.

From a very young age, Jack was aware of his surroundings.  When my mother and father would come to visit us, we’d frequently go for a walk around our neighborhood.  My father, having experience a mild stroke, was not the swiftest of foot.  Jack, at age two, of his own volition, would hold his grandfather’s hand to make sure that the group would not leave them behind.  Jack was the kid in preschool who would try to get all the other kids to the join the circle at reading time.  These days, Jack finds ways to incorporate a lot of different interests into playground games so his varied social set at school can all be included in recess activities together.  Exclusion of friends or family has never been option for Jack.

Jack has had his challenges in life.  He worked with a speech therapist for a number of years to overcome some early articulation problems.  Later, he was diagnosed with an auditory processing disorder, which created some challenges to his early reading experiences. Because of this issue, Jack struggled with some of his schoolwork early on, especially reading and spelling.  And there is no magic pill to fix this particular problem.  Jack had to combine learning some coping skills with pure hard work.  I’ll never say these challenges were a blessing, but I will say that there were important lessons to be learned from them.  Today, Jack understands how to overcome a challenge.  He has the forbearance to work hard and focus on a goal.  He knows how to earn success.  And to prove it, he’s a straight A student.

Above all, though, Jack embodies a characteristic that can’t be taught.  He cares.  He cares about his friends.   When one of his friends is emotionally wounded, Jack feels their pain.  When a friend is falsely accused, Jack feels the injustice.  And when a friend is celebrating, Jack feels the elation. 

Jack genuinely cares about his family.  He genuinely cares about his community.  He genuinely cares about the nation and world.

And the accolades could go on and on… Jack helps without being asked.  Jack takes responsibility even when it means taking the blame.  Jack leads by example.  Jack communicates clearly and effectively.  Jack has an intellectual curiosity and allows himself to explore where his mind takes him. 

Maybe the best part of Jack, to me, is that he knows who he is.  He is confident.  No one can define him but him. I think that might the key to not just surviving middle school, but thriving.  And not just in the middle school years, but all the years ahead.  Jack does know who he is.  He is proud of himself without being arrogant.  He’s strong in his convictions and self-assured in his skill set. 

So, while the next school year looms and my dread lays in wait, I’m hoping that Jack’s trust in himself continues to grow.  Now that I’m older, I know that no one can take away your dignity if you don’t allow them to.  I’m pretty sure Jack knows that, too.  Here’s to hoping that that is secret ingredient to happiness in middle school!

Confidence and Concussions

Time for a quick road trip, folks!  I was a guest blogger over at the awesome site almightydad.com!  Please check out my piece that is posted there:

http://www.almightydad.com/guest-posts/confidence-and-concussions

Food Allergies and PIGs!

When I was a child, I blamed my parents for a lot of things.  I blamed them because they didn’t help me achieve my dream of worldwide stardom via my undeniable and incomparable talent in the performing arts. I also blamed them for not promoting my supreme swimming aptitude into a gold medal winning Olympic career I so richly deserved.  I even blamed them for cursing me with curly blond hair when I clearly would have been much better off with straight blond hair.

In retrospect, I realize, it’s silly to blame my parents for my lack of a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and the absence of Olympic gold medals around my neck.  However, that curly hair thing – that really is their fault!  I mean, I’ve forgiven them, even though, to this day, I still am the target of multiple Jewfro jokes…. Their genetics caused my lifelong hair trauma, but I’ve forgiven them – except on humid days. 

I bring this up because I officially have become a PIG. I’ve consumed a lot of time thinking about being a PIG and beating myself up over it.  I’ve rolled my PIG status over in my head a thousand times and I always coming out more PIGgy.  PIG: Parent with Inheritance Guilt. 

I’ve guilted myself over many inherited “features” (a very clever term used by computer programmers when referring to what a commoner might call a software “bug”) I’ve passed along to my kids…. Jack, my oldest, is such a smart and sweet kid.  And, he does not have a competitive bone in his body.  Not one.   While many will think that’s a good thing, it can be a bit detrimental as a kid who is expected to compete for just about everything in a school environment.  This is my fault.  That comes from me. 

Will more than makes up for Jack’s lowered competitive spirit . He competes for everything!  Will competes with his siblings to see who gets first rights to the bathroom in the morning… and he always wins! However, Will is the kid that will not try any new foods.  He likes the tried and true – chicken nuggets, pizza and spaghetti.  Just like his dad was at that age.  Again, my bad.  It’s on me. 

And Emma – my little princess – is so sensitive that one misplaced critical comment (like “Emma, how come you didn’t finish your breakfast?”) can send her spiraling into the safety of a hiding place.  Her bedroom closet is a favorite.  Mine was under my bed.  Ugh.  That’s on me, too.

All of those character traits are the mountains I will have to help my kids climb and conquer.  And, in time, I know we’ll get there. Then there is Sam, my baby.  And, for him, I am the biggest PIG….

Sam is an adventurous kid, even at one year old.  Unlike his older brother, he likes trying new foods. When mommy or daddy are eating something interesting, Sam will request a bite.  And by request, I mean thrust his entire body forward, towards the food, full force, with his mouth wide open, making a sound that can best be described as an infantile battle cry.  He is the William Wallace of mealtimes.  He makes it known he’s coming in.  Prepare yourself to donate the “baby tax” directly into Sam’s mouth. 

Yogurt Mountain is a favorite dessert spot for my kids.  Of course it is - why wouldn’t it be? Add “do it yourself” frozen yogurt with “do it yourself” candy toppings galore and you have grade school nirvana.  The three older kids love to make their own ice cream monstrosities, bringing unending smiles to their faces.  And, of course, Sam goes in for the baby tax.  But after taking a few bites, we noticed that Sam’s own unending smile is now surrounded by a rash of some sort.  Uh-oh.

As it turns out, Sam has food allergies.  The Yogurt Mountain incident (along with a few others like it) resulted in a trip to the doctor’s office to investigate.  A few awful blood tests later and we have confirmation… Sam is allergic to dairy, peanuts and (gulp) shellfish.  (Why the “gulp”?  Well, someone else in the family has a shellfish allergy….me.  Yep, confirmation that I’m a PIG.)

So, my happy little Sam – the boy whose smile can light the darkest of times, will be restricted in what he can eat for the foreseeable future and maybe the rest of his life.  And it’s my fault.  Stupid genes. 

Look, it could be worse.  It could be a lot worse.  Sam could have gone into anaphylactic shock immediately and who knows if we could have reacted in time.  His throat could have swelled up.  Truthfully, we are very, very lucky.  But the bottom line is Sam can’t have dairy or peanuts or shellfish.  And that’s on me.

The reality of this hit me when Blythe came home from that doctor’s visit with two Epipens.  Epipens!  Sam needs to have access to an Epipen…just in case.  Know what an Epipen is?  It an emergency does of epinephrine.  Know what that is?  To quote a medical website:

“Epinephrine injection is used to treat life-threatening allergic reactions caused by insect bites, foods, medications, latex, and other causes. Symptoms of allergic reaction include wheezing, shortness of breath, low blood pressure, hives, itching, swelling, stomach cramps, diarrhea, and loss of bladder control. Epinephrine is in a class of medications called sympathomimetic agents. It works by relaxing the muscles in the airways and tightening the blood vessels.”

Did you see those words? Shortness of breath.  Low blood pressure.  Swelling. He may not have had those symptoms yet, but they are possibilities.  And it’s my fault.

And though I accept the blame, I don’t accept victim status.   We all have choices to make.  There are two sides to this coin…  Shall I wallow in self-pity for my son (I guess that’s self-pity by proxy, actually) or shall I be grateful for what we have and control what we can?  I choose the latter.

No child could ask for a better advocate in life than Blythe.  When she senses danger, her protective instincts turn into action.  Don’t mess with mama bear’s babies.  She has taken on this food allergy condition as if she were preparing a PhD thesis.  She now knows more about allergies than the doctors we visit.  If knowledge is power, she’s the food allergy Wonder Woman.  And, so, Mother Nature, Sub-Section: Allergies, please consider yourself put on notice.  You’ve messed with my wife’s baby.  She does not forgive easily.

My role, other than supporting my wife in her crusade against food allergies, is simple.  Along with Blythe, we’ll work on keeping Sam comfortable and safe.  We’re so fortunate to live in a time when information is readily available.  The plethora of “kid food allergies” websites alone is astounding.  And the food alternative choices for Sam are really incredible, too.  This morning, for the first time in his young life, Sam enjoyed ice cream.  Well, “rice dream” ice cream, but to him it’ll be ice cream ice cream.  He loved it.  And that smile alone makes the efforts all worthwhile. 

By the way, we also bought him a few varieties of vegan cheese.  We sampled along with Sam.  Sam enjoyed his new foods.  I, on the other hand, found it to taste roughly the equivalent of soggy shoe leather.  Luckily, it wasn’t purchased for me.  Or the dog.  Even he hated it.

The beauty in all of this is that Sam is just a really happy little boy.  To see the joy that he brings to so many people, his parents included, is to understand the seeds of love.  All of my kids have been different and all spectacular (I’m not at all humble when it comes to the awesomeness of my kids).  Sam has changed the world for the better.  And food allergies aren’t going to keep that unending smile from his face, so surely it shouldn’t keep it from ours, either.

I look forward to the day when Sam is free to eat whatever he wants, whenever he wants, without any repercussions.  But if that day doesn’t come, then I’m just going to look forward to any day that I get to spend with Sam.

   

Legacy Planning 101

Legacy is not a word that I’ve even begun to contemplate.  Legacy is outweighed by things like car payments, birthday parties, doing the dishes, carpool duty, and walking the dog twice a day.  Who has time for a legacy?

Yet, today I’m thinking about my legacy.  Not today’s legacy though – I sincerely hope I have many more years before anyone has to really consider my legacy.  However, an introspective piece of radio I heard yesterday got me thinking about “legacy”.  Dan Savage, a fairly controversial sex-advice columnist (are there any other kinds?), spoke in front of a live theater audience, which was simulcast on radio (it was recorded about 2 years ago; however, this was the first time I’d heard it).   Whatever your views on Dan may be, his monologue was not controversial at all, nor did it regard his “expertise”. Instead, he spoke about his mother.

You can listen to the whole show to gain all Dan’s insights, but the essence of his communication about how a mother’s love transcends the barriers of circumstance.  Dan’s mother was a devout Catholic.  Dan is a gay man who, along with his partner of 14 years, has adopted a son.  Dan’s mother accepted her son life, loved her son and grandson, understood her son while never abandoning her own strong faith.  It’s a beautiful story of her devotion and Dan’s reaction to her death.

Which brings me back to the idea of a legacy… What will my kids think about me when my time comes? It’s a morbid thought, but, let’s be honest – it’s going to happen one day.  Hopefully, “one day” is many days from now, but since birth certificates don’t come with expiration dates, we’ll never know for sure.

There are a finite number of days between now and then.  And, I know this will be shocking to those of you who know me well, I’m a little bit of a worrier.  And the antidote to worrying, for me, is planning.  So, welcome to Legacy Planning 101:

Step 1: Make Memories

This is a bit tricky.  For a lot of us, when we think about “making memories”, we assume it has to be a big memory, like the time we went to Disneyland and my brother puked on Space Mountain (which is actually a made-up memory – my brother never puked on Space Mountain.  But I might have told all his friends that he did).  When I think back on my own childhood, it’s not the mega-vacation memories that jump forward.  Instead, I remember things like sitting on lawn chairs in my open garage next to my dad as it rained.  He sat and listened to the rain as he smoked a cigar.  Very quiet moments.  I loved those moments.  And I frequently sit on our covered patio in thunderstorms and just listen.  I hope my kids will remember those kinds of moments, too.

Step 2: Create Traditions

Thanksgiving day is my favorite of the year.  I know a lot of people feel that way about Christmas day.  My mom talks about her memories of her family every year around Passover. The traditions of those days are powerful.  It’s been important in our family that our kids know the agenda for every major holiday, including their birthdays, every year. And they do.  They know that Christmas Eve means opening one present before bed – invariably, pajamas to wear to bed on that very night.  They know that Christmas morning means breakfast strata after the first session of opening presents (and the second session invariably commencing as soon as the kids have stuffed their faces as quickly as they can) .  They know we open presents from youngest to oldest, one apiece until we’re all out.  They know we’ll have stuffed shells for dinner that night. They love the tradition as much as the presents.  So do I.

Step 3: Be The Person You Want Them to Remember

Last week, we had a particularly tough morning.  The baby wasn’t feeling well and, as a result, neither my wife nor I got as much sleep as we would have liked.  I was tired and irritable when driving the older three to school.  And they were in rare form, fighting about every last detail of every seemingly trivial activity of the morning.  When all three were being nasty to each other about, of all things, a Pokémon game they were playing, the proverbial straw broke.  I laid into them.  I have a long fuse, but you don’t want to be there when I finally go off.  And that day, I went off big.  I was in rare form, first yelling then simply lecturing condescendingly to an audience too afraid to participate in the conversation.  Ten minutes later, when the craziness had finally vacated my brain, I pulled into the school parking lot, stopped the kids from getting out, and sincerely apologized.  Not for the content of my message, for I deeply believe that “taking care of each other” is our family mission, but for the delivery method.  I didn’t want my kids to think that being passionate about a message is reason enough to yell and scream about it.  It’s the least elegant way to communicate passionately, actually.  I failed in delivering my message, and in doing so, abused the trust they put in me as a parent.  I apologized to the kids.  I let them know that I still felt that fighting with each other is wrong on a lot of levels, but I was wrong to have yelled at them about it.  I hope they remember the guy who communicated that message.

Step 4: Model a Healthy Lifestyle

Admittedly, this one is the toughest for me.  I know I have a long road ahead of me to get this one right.  And, I know that I need to hurry down that road before my kids start to follow their own wrong path. 

I don’t know anyone without a vice or two… or eight.  For some, its smoking.  For others, its drinking or recreational drug use.  There are people who regularly “text and drive” or who still won’t wear a seatbelt.  And, for me, for as long as I can remember, it’s been weight. 

It’s one thing to risk your own health, but quite another when your habits start to impact your kids’ habits.  I think about this a lot.  When I was growing up, my dad was very heavy.  In his late sixties, he had a stroke.  We were lucky as it was a mild stroke, and it served as a wake up call to him.   He made changes and is now at a very healthy weight.  However, I’m not there – yet. 

I don’t want my kids to follow my bad habits and have to struggle with this issue.  So, I’m dedicating myself to fixing the problem.  I’m doing it for me, because I want to be the best role model to my kids I can be.  I haven’t been, but I’m going to be.

Step 5: Share the Ride

Everyday, when I first see my kids afterschool, I spend a few minutes with each of them, talking about their day.  Of course, I get the routine answers of “nothing happened today, Dad.” But, I’ve been in the parental management game for far too long to know answer #1 is simply a test to see if you’ll leave them alone.  And I never do.  I’m persistent in asking specific questions: What specials did you have today?  What did you do in Spanish? How was the spelling test? Who did you sit with at lunch?  What did you talk about?  What did you do at recess?  Did your teacher say anything goofy today?  Ask enough questions and you’ll get the real answers. 

My kids know that my wife and I want to know everything – good, bad, funny, sad.  We want it all.  We want to share their experience.  We want to let them be the star of their story.  We love when they tell us how they shine.  And I hope they think of this when they think of me later on.  I think it might be all I’m thinking about when that time comes.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, right?  I’m choosing how I want those days to impact my kids – legacy planning 101.