Do dads think?

Raspberry Wars

We all enjoy that point when the newest youngest is ready for interactive exchanges. She says “Pfftttttp” and father with all of the integrity of a grown adult will reply in kind. After a few more rounds comes that light in the soul smile followed by laughter. I take a pause to burn that image into my brain so that I never forget it.

When you think about it most of our adult debates aren’t much different. We attempt to replace the funny noises with deep and insightful thought, but in the end we usually just meet the equivalent of saying “Pfffftttttp” at each other.

I am grateful for what my young children have taught me about this. To laugh and smile, while continuing the all-important dialog of curiosity and the instinct to learn.

Pretty soon we all move past tongue skills and onto making funny sounds at each other.

8 Rules to Fatherhood Success

Are you like me?  When I first became a father – no, before I became a father, I decided I needed a plan.   I needed to plan what type of dad I was going to be.  No easy task.  But, seriously, I felt like I had to enumerate what was going to allow me to be successful in fatherhood.  When in doubt, I needed rules to live by.

I have absolutely terrific parents.  I’d be willing to put them up against any parents who’ve ever existed in the history of parents.  They gave me a very solid foundation built on their unbelievable and unending love.  I’ve felt that my whole life. I cannot tell you how lucky I feel every day, knowing that not everyone has that same experience.  All I want is for my kids to know that feeling one day, too.

So, without further ado, my 8 Rules to Fatherhood Success:

1)      Encourage Outside the Box Thinking:  With all four kids, I’ve asked myself upon their arrival – is this the person who cures cancer?  Is this the next William Shakespeare? Is this the next Albert Einstien?  Aiming high? Come on….admit it.  You do it, too.  To do great things, I believe kids should have few defined boundaries.  When I learned  Jack wanted to be a veterinarian architect (a real aspiration, at one point), I could not be more encouraging.  Will’s going to be pro football player.  He’s told me many, many times.  And in our world, he will be.  There are no boundaries when it comes to what my kids “may” be or do.   And I’ll be right there, cheering them on, when they do it.

2)      Let the Kids Define Success:  I knew from that start that I didn’t want to put my expectations on my kids because I’d aim too low or too high or off the right or simply on the wrong board to begin with.  My kids celebrate their “wins” with me and look for some sympathy when they don’t quite meet their own expectations.  All I ask is they try.  When they give their best, the results matter little.

3)      Be Realistic: Blythe and decided early on that our kids will know the realities of life before they fly the coop.  Want to buy a house?  Here’s how much it costs, information about mortgages, about credit, about insurance, about taxes, about utility bills.  We’ll talk about jobs and salaries and the realities of life on your own.  We’ll never scare them, but we’ll arm them so they can prepare.

4)      Walk the Talk: Nothing is easier than telling my kids what to do.  And nothing is less impactful when it’s not backed up with action.  Will and I had a conversation about water being “the best” liquid for your body.  So he asked me why I drank so much Diet Coke.  And he was right.  I didn’t quit Diet Coke that day.  I didn’t quit Diet Coke until I saw Will pouring himself a Diet Coke from the fridge.  We’ve both quit now.

5)      Instill a Sense of Family: In my world, there is nothing – NOTHING – more important to me than family.  It was the golden rule in my house growing up, and I plan for my children to pass it along to their children.  My father used to say that we siblings were the only people we could count on for our entire lives.    I want my children to have that same resolve

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6)      Experiences Trump “Things”: I’m big on my kids DOING stuff that interests them, rather than gathering the accoutrements of their interests.  Jack has always loved trains – so off to the train museum we go for a ride in the beautiful countryside.  Will, our sports fanatic, took part in a football “pro day” for kids, coached by real college and pro coaches.  Emma is just getting started, but our princess is loving her ballet and tap classes.  “Things” break, get lost, are “left behind” when the new model comes out.  Experiences are forever.

7)      Be There: Kids don’t just want experiences.  They want to share those experiences with the people most important to them – their parents.  Soccer games, Musicals, Dance Recitals, Football Practice, Art Show – just be there.  For all of them.

8)      Brag About Your Kids, A Lot: Enough said.

What about you?  What are your rules to Fatherhood Success? (Mom’s can chime in, too!)

Eight Tracks

Thinking about the days when I rode to work with my Dad in that white work van. We listened and sang to music on our way to the job. Van Halen’s first album was jamming in the eight track player with my Dad singing along. It is a great memory. Yes, it was on eight track and they are that long ago. We also enjoyed Def Leppard’s first album on eight track before anyone was pouring sugar on themselves.

Now it is iPods and MP3s and I am deeply concerned.

My wife once sprung a date night on me to go see a laser show synchronized with Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon”. The host let us know the music came from original black licorice and that we would get a break before side two. That is when experience of the moment hit me.

During the break I made a commitment. My children will not compress their world into 140 character “tweets”. So in my man cave there is a turntable that can play my father’s record collection to make sure we try to pass the tradition of family music along as best that I can. My oldest girl was soon jamming to Uriah Heep. I used to sing “The Wizard” with my Dad when I was very young and now we carry the tradition by singing the chorus of “Lady in Black” together.

The basement is family ground where a mess is allowed. When I think about it, I play the music from this record collection and think about the lessons my Dad has taught me so I can connect those great moments to my children as well.

FYI: Side one of “Dreamboat Annie” by Heart, is a good date night record.

Advice From a Father to a Father

Sometimes, I feel like life is SO hectic...I mean crazy busy. My wife and I have 3 boys, aged 19, 17, and 15. All 3 are athletes, the oldest 2 playing competitive tennis and the youngest a Level 10 gymnast. It is not unusual for me to be in California with the gymnast, while my wife is in Tucson or Albuquerque with our USTA tennis player on any given weekend. The oldest stays home to go to college classes, work, and take care of the 2 dogs, Saucy and Callan. So, I was talking with Dad last weekend and I was basically "complaining" about the insanity that is our world. Dad is 73, and raised 4 kids, working 2 jobs. When I think back to my childhood, Dad was always there for us, but there were many weekdays where he worked his 7-3 job, then went to his 2nd job, electrical wiring new homes, until 8 or 9 PM. He would walk in after a long day, eat some dinner that was left from 5:30 meal, and sit downstairs and watch a little TV before he went up to bed. He was a great father figure for me and I learned a lot about work ethic, honesty, and the value of helping others. Dad used to say all the time, "nah, no payment necessary, someday, I may need a favor from you." I have always modeled my life after my Dad's principles and I think it has made me a better person. So this weekend, when we were talking (and I was complaining), Dad dropped some more wisdom on me that honestly made me feel ashamed that I was complaining. He said, "Mark, enjoy these days now, because before you know it, they will be over." I thought about my Dad, and Mom, who really have a great life back in Illinois. They are in good health, money is not an issue for them, their 50th wedding anniversary is in 15 days, and his "to do" list consists of; mow the lawn, go in to town and have coffee, and thaw some brats for dinner, and I just smile. When we were growing up, I always knew that Dad loved me, but with him, it was always a more of an unspoken thing. As I hung up on Sunday, I told him that he was right, and I loved him for keeping my head on straight. Funny how his life experiences are still a learning opportunity for me as I approach 50 years old. I can only hope that I pass on the important things to my boys, as my Dad did to me. Honesty...integrity...compassion...work ethic...the list goes on. As the saying goes..."the older you get, the wiser your parents get. Amen.

My Wife is One of My Girls Too.

It is about 8:45p and my daughters are in bed sleeping. It is one of the rare nights we got them both in bed on time within a margin of error. Just as we settle into our own bed my wife’s phone rings. It is our babysitter, and she needs me to print out her homework.

Out of all the random requests a family might get on a late Tuesday (yes 8:45p is considered late for two working parents with two young children) I would never have thought of this one. But rather than be irritated or even let out a heavy sigh I instructed my wife on how the young high school junior should email the homework to me and I began the walk down six sets of stairs into my basement home office to print it for her.

For one thing I know her parents, and they likely can’t use a computer to play Pac-man so it is not her fault. Second, good trustworthy babysitters are hard to come by and when you find the best they are recognized as a family friend. We overpay her to make sure she says yes when we need her and I have my own agenda at work in doing this favor as well.

There are times when I recognize that my wife has had a few bad days at work in a row. There are also times when I must travel for my job and that means Mom must do everything for weeks at a time. All she asks for in stress relief is two good workouts a week at the gym, that the sanctity of her hair appointments be respected, and date nights.

I print out the homework and can’t resist looking it over. It is a nice report on chapter 25, “Imperialism, Alliances, and War”. I learned a few things in reading it along with confirmation that I am not smarter than an 11^th grader either. I am smart enough to secure the natural resources required for having regular worry free date nights with my wife however, and the occasional lava cake for desert.

Dad's who travel...a lot

For six (almost 7) years I have been working as a consultant for an awesome company, Synecticsworld, and it at times requires me to be on the road 75% of the time and sometimes internationally which means no return trips for 2-4 weeks. I wanted to reach out to other dad's who travel and see how they help the kids (and the wife) cope with being away so much.

What I have done in the past:

• Send postcards from every new city I visit (lost it's appeal to the kids)
• Bring home trinkets, hats, t-shirts (gets expensive)
• skype and more skype (internationally works great)
• The piece de la resistance...I had a great client fly my family out to Australia for 4 weeks last summer instead of me doing 2 additional roundtrips (now my kids think you fly business class everywhere)

I was hoping to hear from you dads out there for new ways to keep the peace at home, still be a dad and keep everyone happy...

Welcome to Dadocity

In August of 2000, my life was forever changed. It was on the 29th day of that month that my first son was born. It was a day that I had looked forward for as far back as I can remember. The stereotype of the "young guy" who fears commitment and dreads the idea of having kids is completely foreign to me. I remember being ten years old and knowing, very clearly knowing, that what I wanted in life was to be a dad.

In a classic "be careful of what you ask for", today I'm proud to say that I'm the father of four. First came Jack back in 2000; Will was added late in 2002; My princess, Emma, graced us in 2006 and just three weeks ago, we added our final piece to the puzzle that is my family.

Names are so important. There is such responsibility in naming a child. That name will help them define who they are, forever. There have been studies which demonstrate the power of names -- like the one suggesting the kids with names beginning with A's and B's tend to get better grades than kids with names starting with C's and D's. http://jobs.aol.com/articles/2009/02/02/does-your-name-spell-success/. (My name starts with a C and...oh, never mind).

Three weeks ago, my wife labored for several hours to deliver our newest little guy. And after all her hard work, the culmination of nearly ten months worth of growth and development, my favorite moment was upon us. We needed to name our new baby. As with all our previous children, we entered the delivery room with two viable names. Since baby #1, we agreed to never name one of our kids until we meet him face to face, but we've always come armed with two names, hoping one would fit our little guy's personality.

A decade ago (and still true today), Jack was clearly a Jack. Will left no doubt as to being a Will. Emma almost demanded her name. However, for the first time, when we met our baby, it could have gone either way. He looked like both names.

Three hours. Three torturous hours. Perhaps that's insensitive, considering that my wife had just been through a grueling labor and managed to push a a real, live human being out of her body, but truth be told, the three hours post-labor were tough on me.

Ultimately, Sam told us he was Sam. But just as he did with his birthing date (Sam was a week late), Sam took his time in notifying us of his intentions with his new name. When I look back now, of course I know he's Sam. But in the moment, torture.

I mention this story because I, moments ago, named this blog "Dadocity". I had an inkling that I'd like to start a blog about "dad" experiences, but the name just wasn't there. And, in fact, I really don't want this blog to just be about me and my family. I'm hoping to have many, many dads join in and celebrate their families and experiences. Dads of newborns, dads of tweens, dads of teens, single dads, step-dads -- I want this to be a place to share experiences and lessons of being a dad. On occasion, I'd like to get some of these dads together for an in-depth discussion of being a dad in some sort of interview form. Really, ultimately, I'm hoping this blog celebrates the experiences of that is "dad".

And so, the torture began yet again. Naming the blog was arduous. In the end, I think Dadocity gives a sense of community and a sense of fun. I'm hoping both those virtues will be present on this blog. I also hope we have some more serious conversations, as warranted. I'm looking forward to reading as much as I am writing.

So, welcome to Dadocity, Day 1. In the future, I hope to have a lot more "stuff" on this site. I'm a neophyte with Blogger, so please try to be patient with me. I hope to add features and gadgets as I figure them out (I mean that literally - this "gadget" concept is completely outside my techie comfort zone). Suggestions are always welcomed and encouraged. I'll be posting no more than a couple times a week. And I'll work on keeping the posts shorter and relevant. Moreover, I'm hoping to have an army of dads who will also post a few times a week. And together, Dadocity will be a site with lots of new content on a daily basis.

Thanks for stopping by today. I'm looking forward to watching this community grow.