Dadocity: dads

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Do dads think?

You bet we do. We think all the time and I don't think we get credit for it. Maybe I am projecting on all dads out there, but I get accused of not thinking before I act all the time. I want to let you know what I think about:

I think about how am I going to put food on the table. Ever since the tech bubble of 2000, when I got laid off from my first real high paying job, I have lived in constant fear of not being able to provide for my family. It was a huge ego deflating moment. I paid for mistakes that occurred out of my control. It is that lack of control that I don't like. I know that in my current job, I control about 90% of my own destiny. I do well, my company does well. If I don't do well--it's oh well for me. It's this ever lasting cloud that hangs over my head, that I wish I could shake. If I screw up, I screw up the family too.

I think about how my kids are growing up. Am I doing the right thing? Are they growing up how I want them too? Do they behave when I am not around? Are they making me proud? I am getting stressed writing this. I used to think that every family has it's issues, it's just that I live mine every day. Everyone else's kids seem perfect compared to mine. Where did I screw up? Did I screw up? (being a dad is hard)

I think about saving for retirement, paying for college (in 8 years when my oldest is a freshman in college, the average tuition is going to be over 50,000!), fixing something in the house that isn't even broken yet and keeping the revenue flowing so we can just survive. It takes money to do things like live and eat...I want to be able to give my kids what I got from my parents--a shot at succeeding. I want to make sure that they won't have to take care of me when I get older.

I think about the past, I think about the future and it impacts my decisions that I am thinking about right now. In wonder if I am making the right decision...for me, for my family and whoever is in earshot. A little psychology for you. It's called working memory: at any moment I am thinking of the past and the future to decide what to do right now. It turns our working memory into Episodic memories: all the data available to us + emotions that it creates and will create + and our derived meaning-- helps us create an internal note to self. That's why we anticipate and react the way we do.

I really just want to think about my family. Really, nothing makes me happier than visualizing my boys (I am on the road traveling now) just being boys.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Advice From a Father to a Father

Sometimes, I feel like life is SO hectic...I mean crazy busy. My wife and I have 3 boys, aged 19, 17, and 15. All 3 are athletes, the oldest 2 playing competitive tennis and the youngest a Level 10 gymnast. It is not unusual for me to be in California with the gymnast, while my wife is in Tucson or Albuquerque with our USTA tennis player on any given weekend. The oldest stays home to go to college classes, work, and take care of the 2 dogs, Saucy and Callan. So, I was talking with Dad last weekend and I was basically "complaining" about the insanity that is our world. Dad is 73, and raised 4 kids, working 2 jobs. When I think back to my childhood, Dad was always there for us, but there were many weekdays where he worked his 7-3 job, then went to his 2nd job, electrical wiring new homes, until 8 or 9 PM. He would walk in after a long day, eat some dinner that was left from 5:30 meal, and sit downstairs and watch a little TV before he went up to bed. He was a great father figure for me and I learned a lot about work ethic, honesty, and the value of helping others. Dad used to say all the time, "nah, no payment necessary, someday, I may need a favor from you." I have always modeled my life after my Dad's principles and I think it has made me a better person. So this weekend, when we were talking (and I was complaining), Dad dropped some more wisdom on me that honestly made me feel ashamed that I was complaining. He said, "Mark, enjoy these days now, because before you know it, they will be over." I thought about my Dad, and Mom, who really have a great life back in Illinois. They are in good health, money is not an issue for them, their 50th wedding anniversary is in 15 days, and his "to do" list consists of; mow the lawn, go in to town and have coffee, and thaw some brats for dinner, and I just smile. When we were growing up, I always knew that Dad loved me, but with him, it was always a more of an unspoken thing. As I hung up on Sunday, I told him that he was right, and I loved him for keeping my head on straight. Funny how his life experiences are still a learning opportunity for me as I approach 50 years old. I can only hope that I pass on the important things to my boys, as my Dad did to me. Honesty...integrity...compassion...work ethic...the list goes on. As the saying goes..."the older you get, the wiser your parents get. Amen.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Welcome to Dadocity

In August of 2000, my life was forever changed. It was on the 29th day of that month that my first son was born. It was a day that I had looked forward for as far back as I can remember. The stereotype of the "young guy" who fears commitment and dreads the idea of having kids is completely foreign to me. I remember being ten years old and knowing, very clearly knowing, that what I wanted in life was to be a dad.

In a classic "be careful of what you ask for", today I'm proud to say that I'm the father of four. First came Jack back in 2000; Will was added late in 2002; My princess, Emma, graced us in 2006 and just three weeks ago, we added our final piece to the puzzle that is my family.

Names are so important. There is such responsibility in naming a child. That name will help them define who they are, forever. There have been studies which demonstrate the power of names -- like the one suggesting the kids with names beginning with A's and B's tend to get better grades than kids with names starting with C's and D's. http://jobs.aol.com/articles/2009/02/02/does-your-name-spell-success/. (My name starts with a C and...oh, never mind).

Three weeks ago, my wife labored for several hours to deliver our newest little guy. And after all her hard work, the culmination of nearly ten months worth of growth and development, my favorite moment was upon us. We needed to name our new baby. As with all our previous children, we entered the delivery room with two viable names. Since baby #1, we agreed to never name one of our kids until we meet him face to face, but we've always come armed with two names, hoping one would fit our little guy's personality.

A decade ago (and still true today), Jack was clearly a Jack. Will left no doubt as to being a Will. Emma almost demanded her name. However, for the first time, when we met our baby, it could have gone either way. He looked like both names.

Three hours. Three torturous hours. Perhaps that's insensitive, considering that my wife had just been through a grueling labor and managed to push a a real, live human being out of her body, but truth be told, the three hours post-labor were tough on me.

Ultimately, Sam told us he was Sam. But just as he did with his birthing date (Sam was a week late), Sam took his time in notifying us of his intentions with his new name. When I look back now, of course I know he's Sam. But in the moment, torture.

I mention this story because I, moments ago, named this blog "Dadocity". I had an inkling that I'd like to start a blog about "dad" experiences, but the name just wasn't there. And, in fact, I really don't want this blog to just be about me and my family. I'm hoping to have many, many dads join in and celebrate their families and experiences. Dads of newborns, dads of tweens, dads of teens, single dads, step-dads -- I want this to be a place to share experiences and lessons of being a dad. On occasion, I'd like to get some of these dads together for an in-depth discussion of being a dad in some sort of interview form. Really, ultimately, I'm hoping this blog celebrates the experiences of that is "dad".

And so, the torture began yet again. Naming the blog was arduous. In the end, I think Dadocity gives a sense of community and a sense of fun. I'm hoping both those virtues will be present on this blog. I also hope we have some more serious conversations, as warranted. I'm looking forward to reading as much as I am writing.

So, welcome to Dadocity, Day 1. In the future, I hope to have a lot more "stuff" on this site. I'm a neophyte with Blogger, so please try to be patient with me. I hope to add features and gadgets as I figure them out (I mean that literally - this "gadget" concept is completely outside my techie comfort zone). Suggestions are always welcomed and encouraged. I'll be posting no more than a couple times a week. And I'll work on keeping the posts shorter and relevant. Moreover, I'm hoping to have an army of dads who will also post a few times a week. And together, Dadocity will be a site with lots of new content on a daily basis.

Thanks for stopping by today. I'm looking forward to watching this community grow.